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[Mrinalini-Sarah Fernandes] : Just to say on camera, it's being recorded. If you're not comfortable with it being visually recorded and just sound recording, that's an option too. [Konstello Armonia Villegas Velasco]: I'm fine with either. [MF]: So you'll be on camera. [KAVV]: I'm Okay on camera. [MF]: Okay. Perfect. [KAVV]: It's more just like photos I hate specifically, which is

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a weird contradiction. [MF]: You can skip any questions if they feel too personal. [KAVV]: Or is it alright if, like a to the extent I'm willing to answer questions...? [MF]: Yes, of course! It's your interview like we're not gonna force you. Look, hold you down and be like...it's fine. Yeah, and are you fine if

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we just take a couple notes while... [KAVV]: Oh yeah, go for it. [MF]: and then you signed the consent forms. [KAVV]: Don't worry I have girl problems. [MF]: The second you said don't [indistinguishable]. Okay, Okay. So just for...So it is January...it is not January. It is February the 18th at 5:34 PM at the Sheridan

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Davis campus in the library. My name is Mrinalini and we're at Sheridan Davis, we are going to conduct an interview for the LGBTQ in Peel Project. With me is Madeline. Um So what is your name and pronouns? [KAVV]: My name is Konstello Armonia Villegas Velasco

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and my pronouns are he/him, they/them. Either one is fine, preferably they/them. [MF]: So when did you live in the Peel Region? [KAVV]: I came here when I was four. Sorry, I came...I was born in Brunei. Um uh, because my parents were traveling back and forth for work,

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Somehow ended up in Brunei. I was born there. Family heritage is from the Philippians. They bounced back mainly between the Philippines and Bru... no Dubai. And then after four-ish years, we ended up in Canada after they saved money and got their immigration stuff

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all in check for skilled work. Cool. So, um, by here, you mean Brampton? [KAVV]: Yeah, we all ended up in Brampton. I was thinking did I end up in Mississauga at one point. No, we didn't. [MF]: So were you raised in a faith based community? [KAVV]: Culturally speaking, kind of

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It was very much more of a...So I did end up in a Catholic school. My parents were very Christian aligned. That's mostly with their thing. It was something that was....that's rather, how do I put this? It's part of yeah, it was

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their family, and, uh, it was kind of just always been there. And so I was raised a Christian. So we celebrated the Christmas, even though it's always a Western thing, you know. But it was...I was raised very much Christian. I already forgot the question cause I've been rambling. [MF]: Were

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you raised in a specific faith-based community? [KAVV]: Other than the Christianity at family life. It would be Catholic raised-ish in the school life for seven years. So it was grade one through grade seven. Yes, seven years. So that was its own weirdness. [MF]: Do you feel like that's kind

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of like shape your queerness? [KAVV]: In a way that how much I want to reject it? Yeah. Um, I don't specifically have a active hatred towards those who practice the religion. It's more of the implications and the extent to which they take or interpret the wordings and

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kind of like the belief system they've been like, either that was ingrained upon them or they interpreted from their readings or their faith. So it's more just like I've been very much standoffish about it. The institution of religion is more of like I'd rather stay in

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my lane. I suppose you could say I would be considered atheist agnostic. It's more just like, if there's a god, whatever. If there isn't, whatever. I'm just looking forward to sleep for the rest of my death. [MF]: How do you currently describe your sexual identity and

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gender identity? [KAVV]: In terms of my sexual identity? The extent to what I understand in my brain, I, like women, or like fem presenting people because, like even for like feminine men, I have a slight attraction. And for just like mostly those who are aligned themselves visually

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speaking in the feminine, that what would be considered feminine in the public is what I'm attracted to but sexually speaking also not that much. It's this weird level of like asexuality, but more of like aesthetically speaking. I like fem but sexually is more just like

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it's...there's too many fluids involved. [MF]: Fair enough. And then your gender identity? [KAVV]: And yes, right in terms of my gender identity, it's very non binary but masculine presenting. So I am going through the process of figuring out...Don't worry, it's nothing, I'm just just easily distracted. But there's

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very, I'm very much non binary but masculine...masculine presenting. So I'm trying to figure out how to get top surgery or my hair cut off and all that jazz. I got my binder recently, so it's in the past two months. I'm still getting used to

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it, but yeah, no, that was helping with the dysphoria. [MF]: You mentioned that you identify as non binary. Can you just a little bit discuss like how you came to that understanding of your gender identity? [KAVV]: I actually toyed with a lot of identities while I was growing up when I

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discovered it, so to speak, Finding like the queer community was rather well the Queer Communities, labels and identity was kind of in when I was, like 8, 10 ish. Um, I think it was a House episode, House MD. So I ended up watching

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that. I am pretty sure I'm like, 90% sure you it was an episode with...the episode with Olivia Wilde with that lesbian scene. And so I was just like, neat. As a kid I was like, Cool. That's a thing that could happen. And so I

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was growing up at least with that I understand some part of my sexual identity. But as for my gender identity I always felt like whatever, I was very much as growing up, my father wanted a son. It was very clear that both my parents wanted because

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they put attempts. Don't worry about it. They put attempts into the reason why I had so many siblings, by the end of it is that they wanted at least one male one, like one son for them amongst their, amongst the family. But no, they ended up with

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me, me and my two siblings and the dead one. Apologies for the darkness. Um, so it ended up very much being a what? As a as I hit like middle school, high school ish, it was more just like huh? I don't really identify as female, but

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I don't really identify as male, question mark, with like the fat ass question marks on either end. So like, and then, as throughout high school, I was like, Oh, let's play with demi girl from what I understood from it, when I was looking it up back then

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was like, You don't fully aligned with female, But you also don't really like align with anything else. It's like this weird thing between non binary but female. And I was like, Sure, I'll toy with that for a while, or at least until I figure it out. It

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feels right at that time. And then I was like, you know what? It really doesn't. And then I was like at that point, I was just like, we're gonna leave that gender part of me for a bit until I was like, let's cut off the

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hair, nd then we had college and I was like, Yeah, I hate all of you and I'm currently non binary and I had my own crises throughout that segment of my life and then ended up coming up with, oh, I definitely want to present

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as masculine. That's how comfortable I feel and presenting more and more as passing and passing for a male is acceptable for me. It's more I'm not even aiming for the endogenous part. It's more just like if I could pass as male in common society...are we good with the

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technical difficulties? [MF]: Oh yeah, no it's alright. [KAVV]: If I can pass as male for like in like common day to day, interactions that'd be great. But for the people who I know, if I can, if they can refer to me as like they/them and like work, like co-workers, I don't

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mind if it's just male because they're not intimate with me and I don't give a shit. But for me, like personally with more intimate friends, it's more just like cool. It's they/them. He/him for some of y'all just because it's fun. And it's just like

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it ended up being, more like after I figured it out, just like oh okay, so how far do I want to go with the transitioning part? It's just like we'll go with the top surgery and getting on T because I kind of want a beard and like,

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I have no experience with makeup and I will not tolerate it on my face. So I'm not gonna attempt that part of like because I looked up tutorials also, how to like, how to like contour to make your face more masculine. I was like, that's much, I'm very

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lazy and no, thank you. Sorry, I got carried away. [MF]: No, no, that's so fine. So would you say that like that House MD kind of episode was like a memorable moment concerning your growing awareness of your like your queer and trans identity? [KAVV]: I think that was the

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first media exposure that I really like properly remembered of like Oh, cool, this is an option like kind of thing. It was like the hetero like the first heteronormative break for my life, in...Funny enough culturally speaking in the Philippians being gay, so we use

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the term baklâ. So is gay. Is always synonymous to some level with drag. So it was always this weird, kind of like shaming of it. And so my brain was like, even though I was ever...I was also exposed, at even younger age, than the first

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Western exposure that I had. That was the one that was really like, Oh, it's a thing that that can can can not be actively looked down upon. Because when it was relationships between men and men, or at least the ones that I was exposed to that were talked

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about within my family. It was always accompanied with the phrase um sayang. Sayang meaning what a shame. So it was just my, like it was a waste for that man to be gay like it's a waste for the women attracted to him. It's a waste for his life. And

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I was just like, Well, I guess it's not OK? [MF]: So you did have, like, kind of, LGBTQ people in your family that you were. [KAVV]: No, no, no, no, no, not not at all. It was more just like, culturally speaking. I was aware of it

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because in the Philippians, like the the media outlets that we had was called TFC is basically kind of like Netflix. But for the Philippines, like for a very specific fiddle, Filipino channel in house. And we paid for it well for a monthly basis. And they watch

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certain like hosts and like showbiz shows like it was less reality TV you more just like, let's glam...it was more entertainment, very focused on entertainment. And so a lot of entertainment ended up at least featuring in some capacity more queer people because they wore more

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flamboyant, more like open to being in the limelight. But it was still very much not as accepted. [MF]: So do you feel like this knowledge about yourself impacted your relationship with your family members, like are you out to them? [KAVV]: I am out to them and, well, I'm out to my

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parents, my sisters, question mark? My cousin for sure. My aunts by proxy and my grandmother by proxy, question mark, don't know about that one. Um, but in terms of my parents. I can sum that up in my father's statement, You will always be my daughter and

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my mother's statement when we had a lovely evening talk the day after Christmas and me just confiding in her that I want to go through with top surgery and she says, Do it after I'm dead. Um, and my aunt who is medically speaking fragile. She is.

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She has a condition where, like her, it's called scler... scr... Scleroderma. And it's..don't worry, I can't pronounce words. Scleroderma. And she had basically it's systematic where her connective tissues. It's also showing on her physical body as well, but it's very much more present in

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like her organs, where her connective tissues there, which is all of the human body, essentially are hardening so she can live a longer life. But it's no one has told me anything, and I don't want to get close to her, even though she is the one who actively

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said, I accept you for who you whatever you are. So I'm not really coming out, like specifying what I what I am to her because, emotionally speaking, I'm not there for breaking my own heart. Bless her heart. I wanted her to live, but I'm not. I'm not

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investing into that pool of cards. My other aunt. She's the one who's the mother of my cousin, who is also queer. He does not identify as anything other than the fact that he has a boyfriend. That is literally all I know because he's like I don't like

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labels. And I'm like, sure, I guess. Um, he came out to his aunt like, two ish years ago, 1.5 years, must have been something like that. So she is a little more accepting. I wouldn't know for sure, because she is rather introverted, and I'm rather intimidated. So and we're rather distant in terms of

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the family dynamic. So it's very much, meh. My sisters know to some extent, but they're rather young. So it's just like I don't really want to put in the effort because, you know, it's a lot to like a lot of emotional baggage to dump on kids to explain

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like, my, my queer identity itself is not a baggage, but it is baggage in terms of connection dynamic to the family. So I just don't want to disturb that for my sisters. My cousin and I, despite having a weird rocky like relationship throughout my

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high school. We're on, like, neutral-ish terms. We're in, like, semi distant but semi close, the kind of relationship where I can best describe it as we're both queer in this kind of fucked up house. Um, we're here to support each other and make sure we survive

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Peace. Uh, and that would be it. Distant family, I wouldn't know. Um they're all in the Philippines or they're all spread out in the world, and so I don't know them directly. I visited them before a couple of them, but other than that,

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nothing. I'm told that I have some queer related relatives. Some queer uncles, but nothing. [MF]: Can you describe what it's like, what it was like to be, like gender and sexual nonconforming in high school, or like school in general. [KAVV]: In school in general, my high school was....

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I went to a Catholic school in all of elementary school. So during my discovery, that was my discovery phase for at least my sexual identity. And as for high school itself, it was more just like haha I don't want [indistinguishable]. Elementary school was the sexual identity

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the most...I never was out in elementary. I think I came out to one person. Exactly. I actually don't remember my my coming out story, but I do remember coming out this, like, one to two people in total in elementary school. And that was near the last

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two years I was there. They were fine with it. So it was actually really nice. Um, so I didn't have no heartbreak with, like, break up with friends or nothing bad about that. But I did, but my entire elementary school experience itself was a lot of

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bullying. I don't know for that, I don't think was very much related to me being queer rather than me being a new kid since grade one and treated as a new kid and a cry baby till the end of my days? Um, so in terms of that, the

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main reason as to why, despite the fact that I was like, Oh, this was a viable option. The reason why I thought like I well, not a thought, I've discovered that I was, that I liked or was interested in women and fem people is that in grade five? Uh, there

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was this, uh, instead of gym, they forced you guys to do dance like ballroom? I don't know. I'm glad you know, it was a godforsaken thing in this Catholic school system. Um, I will never understand them, but they were like one of the two things was

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an option. You paid 20 bucks to do the to be taught, basically ballroom dancing, or you you spend the entire semester not doing shite and preparing a project where you danced with a broom in front of class at the end. Like I don't I don't know whether that was

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true or not, but everyone ended up paying anyways, so I don't really care. Uh, but eventually, so the entire time I was more just like, whatever this seems like a least semi interesting. And like I was always, like a semi like enthusiastic overachiever like, um,

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in class, when it came to like moving at the barely least, I was semi competitive. So I ended up learning both the lead steps and the follow steps which led to in recess, where all the all the girls, because again they gave the

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girls all the follow. On the men, all the lead. Catholic school. No, I'm joking. Who knows? Maybe Catholic schools have upgraded since. Unlikely. Point is all the girls eventually found out in my grade, despite the fact that I was still bullied in that grade, no one really

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wanted to hang out with me. They really just wanted to use me. And they knew me for three good things. Academically I was good. I'm warm. Physically speaking, I have a rather, like, warm temperature. So they like I was very useful for people who wanted some additional

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warmth, like winter or late fall or early spring. Um, and for activities like this where they were like, Hey, you know, all the steps, right? I'm like, yeah, I can teach you it Or like if you want to practice, I can practice with you. And

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so it was like I ended up dancing with every girl in my grade. In my grade, and I think the grade above me and I was like, neat.. And that was just more like, uh, I hate men. A bit dramaticized, but it was very much a Oh,

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I'm not interested in dudes. It's very much I'm interested in these very soft, nice women. [MF]: So if you weren't out like in school and you weren't like very much out at home, were there, like particular spaces or places in Peel...? [KAVV]: Yeah, in Peel. My high school wasn't bad. Like my high

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school experience, specifically as a queer person wasn't bad it was actually really good. We had a GSA, um I was invited. I never went. That was very much the lazy queer in me going like, Do I want to meet with these straights

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or do I want to meet with these fellow queers? Or do I want to even see other people at this point. It was very much the introvert in me going like, I don't want your nonsense. Cause a lot of my elementary school life ended up like being a

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kind of like counselor to these dumb elementary school kids with way too much drama for fucking Catholic school. Elementary school, like why ya'll dating why ya'll having, like, friendship dramas like you don't like me. Why you confiding in to me and asking me for advice? So all of

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high school, I very much put up very more outgoing, flamboyant persona of like Hi, I'm here. Not, not here. Um I'm here and I'm queer. It was more just like I'm here and I'm present and I'm loud and I'm like, I'm not hiding it, but I'm

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not actively saying, Hey, I'm gay to like absolutely everyone. It's more like, if you want to know, I am. If you don't wanna know, fuck off. Um, so high school was rather accepting because I clicked with a lot more people there. I ended up with a lot

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more friends. I had actually a really decent friend group. Fifteen-ish people? So that was our little crew, um, when we started out, half of us were queer. By the end of it, 70% of us were queer. And by our future point, we

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were like 90%. Like as a present. I'm pretty sure we're like 90% even though we're all spread out and we're all kind of just, like, drifting apart. No. Yeah, you know, people grow apart. But high school was accepting. The closest friend I had, and she

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is kind of my significant other. We're not in a relationship. She's asexual a-romantic or something. She told me. But she's also just like I have no idea. And I'm like neat. But, um, we were assumed throughout all of high school for the general High

00:24:57.320 - 00:25:13.380

School, the high school public persona over for the students and the staff and the teachers that we were dating. And so that was an interesting dynamic for me because I ended up out of the two of us because I was more out spoken. Everyone, everyone who

00:25:13.390 - 00:25:36.380

wanted to ask came up to me to ask. Hey, are you two dating or Hey, you too are a cute couple. And I'm like, neat. We're not together, but neat, uh uh, we It was very much high schools was good. No, there was no outwardly homophobic things being

00:25:36.380 - 00:25:51.020

flung out towards me, and I'm pretty sure that was that also really helped because I had a pretty good support system, at least within my high school, like within my high school crew. And even then my high school crew was connected with all the other cliques

00:25:51.020 - 00:26:07.910

in some capacity, we had, like, at least one person connected to that clique in that region and that region. And so I really didn't have any one hate like pure hatred towards me. If anyone disliked me it was because of my personality, and that's fine. [MF]: Yeah, So

00:26:08.430 - 00:26:28.650

were you able to find like, sorry, just I like spaces and places where, like... [KAVV]: Outside of like, outside of my high school region? [MF]: But in Peel. [KAVV]: Well, not that I can think of like, right now, I'm just I'm just, like, accepted that if if I'm not

00:26:28.650 - 00:26:47.820

accepted in the space, it's more just like I'm actively looking for the places that will actively reject my existence. That's my kind of like, like if I'm allowed to be because my existence is in itself is queer, but that's how I embody it. So everywhere go is

00:26:47.820 - 00:27:07.430

a queer space. It's unsafe. It becomes unsafe or becomes solidly safe if someone affirms it, or if it's actively, like displayed. And so there is. While there are some, like little stickers and a lot of like Starbucks and stuff like that, like we accept

00:27:07.430 - 00:27:26.080

LGBTQ people. And I'm like, Sure, I guess. Do I know that for sure? Probably not. I just I walk in the light of just like I'm assuming, while everything is to an extent safe, it's also unsafe. Um, there haven't been any explicit places where

00:27:26.470 - 00:27:47.030

I've been out skirted, so to speak But there are places where if you're a lot more comfortable. Sheridan's funny enough to an extent, is one of them. It's nothing to do with the teachers. The staff is great. Staff is great. Ah, lot of the teachers here,

00:27:47.030 - 00:28:04.900

especially the program. It's obviously for the social service worker program because we're being taught. You gotta be accepting. You gotta accept the good, the bad, the ugly. And you all got to accept queer people because they're valid and they're awesome. But it was very much an experience

00:28:04.910 - 00:28:22.780

of, ooh, I don't um....a lot of, you'll get, especially when I had a lot more pink in my hair. There was a lot more of the kind of like stares. And while I'm used to it and I really don't give a damn in the long run,

00:28:22.780 - 00:28:40.300

it was very more just like, Oh, this is a little less safe. This, like being here, being me is a tiny, bit less safe. My workplace is semi decent in terms of their space. They're accepting, but they don't understand kind of thing. Like have I told them

00:28:40.300 - 00:28:57.630

multiple times that I identify as non-bi...like non-binary and male identifying, or at least I explicitly told them, I'm going to be transitioning and they still refer to me as she? Yes. Is it infuriating? Yes. Do they do that in my placement at the...when

00:28:57.630 - 00:29:12.580

I basically I told them that I'm queer, that I'm transitioning and that I'm male identifying at that point, like for them for the ease of it, because they're just my coworkers. And have they all called me she? And the only people who really do are

00:29:12.580 - 00:29:30.660

the students who who are much better at this, because again it's a very more simplified experience for them because they are students with exceptionalities. So their extension of understanding is what I tell them, and that's great, it's straightforward. So it's more just like

00:29:30.670 - 00:29:46.450

this thing where a lot of Peel tends to be like, I'm aware there are spaces where I could be more proud of myself and more out with myself like Toronto, the more urban places I feel more comfortable in because there's a lot more other queer people that

00:29:46.450 - 00:30:02.060

I can visually see and visually like spot and go like OK, I am in a safer place, um or like the more, like urban I go, I could spot a little more, a couple more queer people, or I see a lot more pins and I see

00:30:02.060 - 00:30:17.130

a lot more signs, and I feel a little more save. Uh, that's how I go about finding my safer places, so to speak. And the less I see it, the more kind of like my mind immediately goes to like the color contrast because, like the less colors

00:30:17.130 - 00:30:33.290

I see, the less like kind of like pride indicators I see the more unsafe I feel. It's very more just like, Oh, either people are one hiding or two. This is just straight up, not like either non accepting or a neutral space. So it's just like

00:30:33.290 - 00:30:48.210

how I like. That's how I end up finding my safe places at least within Peel. I know for me I would prefer to be in a more urban area, despite the fact that I prefer a quieter life. [MF]: This question's not on the paper so like feel free, not

00:30:48.220 - 00:31:08.190

to answer. [KAVV]: Yeah. [MF]: Being in Peel and getting access to T and also binders do you find, feel that that was like a difficult thing to obtain? [KAVV]: Binders itself. No. Well, it would depend on your circumstances. For me, I would have...I had to wait a longer

00:31:08.190 - 00:31:23.770

time. Did I want them a little more earlier, before I was even out to my parents? Yes. Do I still have to kind of call them over over glorified sports bras in front of my parents? Yes. It's more just like I have, I have a part time

00:31:23.780 - 00:31:44.300

job. Um, I'm at school. I am barely in their presence. I can go three days without seeing their faces. Thank God. Um and so I'm a lot, I can purchase these things on my own online, which is fine. However, for those other queer people who

00:31:44.410 - 00:32:01.290

don't have a credit card attached to them, who have to buy in person. And that in itself is there whether or not they have access to travel if they have to take the bus or commute, it's all this fluctuating thing. I suppose the binder stuff, the

00:32:01.300 - 00:32:15.710

main concern I had was just mostly getting my measurements right, because I hate purchasing things online, which is why stalled out for quite a bit because it was like, you know, I can only tell you so much about my measurements before my brain goes like,

00:32:16.020 - 00:32:31.920

ya'll still gonna get this wrong though because, like a lot of online experiences, especially when you're finding the right sizes when you are a, on the bigger side, so to speak. Even as a queer person or otherwise it tends to be this experience of

00:32:31.930 - 00:32:52.130

like is am I oversizing this, undersizing this? Or is this by miracle the right size? For T, I haven't gotten access to T yet, mainly because I haven't...because my family is Filipino, they have a tendency to look for like Filipino...This

00:32:52.130 - 00:33:10.630

is more just like a person of color thing, like we all actively seek out a person of color representation in terms of like who to interact with in the medical field, in our psychological field. Just so we feel more comfortable because, culturally speaking, they understand this more. So because

00:33:10.630 - 00:33:30.710

I, because he is more culturally aligned, it is very uncomfortable to bring up my queerness around him because literally when I walk into his doctor, the doctor room, to my right is literally like a little shrine to like Mary, and it was just like Mary

00:33:30.710 - 00:33:44.580

and Jesus, and I'm like, I don't want to be here and it's just like I brought it up a couple of times and it's just like whenever I brought up my mental health, it was also still uncomfortable because despite the fact that he's a professional, it is very

00:33:44.580 - 00:34:01.770

much feeling like I don't like you. I don't know whether that's me getting off the vibes off you or is your body language that's a really triggering me off? [MF]: Are there any specific people that you look towards for inspiration or motivation, either locally or larger scale?

00:34:02.340 - 00:34:18.540

[KAVV]: Oh, God, I guess, Um, locally, there isn't much. Either I'm not exposed to it or straight up, I don't look for it in Brampton or like in Peel in general, because my brain immediately assumes it's Peel. It's Peel. I know there's a lot of queer people

00:34:18.550 - 00:34:32.110

within Peel, and there's a lot of people here that are open to...like like out and open to an extent. But it is very much a kind of this weird gray zone of like there's people still learning. A lot of people still learning, and I don't

00:34:32.110 - 00:34:49.290

know whether that's just by tendencies because I know there's a lot of people immigrating here and Brampton is usually the main hub for that, so it ends up being this weird dichotomy of just like there's these people who generally want to, genuinely want to learn.

00:34:49.290 - 00:35:02.820

But I feel like they've learned a lot of toxic things already, and I can tell that from the interactions and I'm like I don't want, like is it my job to teach you? I don't want to teach you. It's not part of my job. I'm tired. In terms of larger

00:35:02.820 - 00:35:20.150

scale. Lady Gaga was probably one of the bigger ones, like one of the like, the first initial big ones. Later on, it ended up being a lot of like online communities of just like the shipping communities, like fandoms and stuff like that. In terms of

00:35:20.150 - 00:35:35.450

fan culture and shipping, it all ended up being like a kind of like inside jokes for a lot of like queer people. This was a lot more Westernized because even online it's a lot of West. It's a lot more Western focus, even a lot of very

00:35:35.460 - 00:35:51.810

specifically United States focused in terms of the culture of queer community is all online. So it was very much kind of like talk of just like if you ended up having crushes on these cartoon characters, ya'll ended up gay. And I'm like, You know what? I

00:35:51.820 - 00:36:13.280

don't like being called out, but same. Um, there's a lot of musicians, but like being put on the spot, so to speak, I can't think of quite a bit of the names that pop up, but it's very much. A lot of it ended up being very much

00:36:13.290 - 00:36:33.720

online in terms of my exposure. [MF]: So you kind of talked about like more urban spaces being more comfortable. Did you have, like, specific attitudes towards Toronto when you were growing up? Or like, as you were, kind of like figuring yourself for lack of of a better, phrase? [KAVV]: Toronto

00:36:33.720 - 00:36:51.580

specifically? [MF]: Yeah. [KAVV]: For Toronto. Because I didn't, like for me and my relation with Toronto itself is very distant because, like for me, it's mostly what has been exposed to to me by a little bit of like personal culture, because, like a couple of friends

00:36:51.580 - 00:37:09.540

who are more like exposed to being a Torontonians, so to speak, and for me is just like a lot of it is like slang that I don't understand. It's just like do you all speak a different language or my trippin? But a lot of, in terms of

00:37:10.130 - 00:37:29.510

my attitude towards Toronto. Despite the fact I hate urban... [MF]: I should probably rephrase. As in terms of, like, community based. [KAVV]: Oh in community-based and for, like, queer community. Yeah, sorry my bad. Don't worry about it. I wouldn't know for sure, actually, because a lot of

00:37:29.510 - 00:37:50.450

it is....Toronto, it was a little more distant for me because I've been rather tucked tucked away in Brampton. I haven't left Brampton. I know that I visited other places and because a lot of like my like family friends like live in Mississauga they live in Toronto.

00:37:51.540 - 00:38:07.890

But all of all of my existence has mainly been in Brampton. So my brain is like stuck here. And I wanted to leave, please and thank you. [MF]: If you could move somewhere else, where do you think you would probably go? [KAVV]: I mean, like, I want to

00:38:07.890 - 00:38:23.100

move to Toronto, but I also don't like mainly because it's like it's all too noisy for me and already Brampton is noisy for me. Like if I hear another car attempting to pretend to be a race car one more time at 3 a.m. I will kill

00:38:23.100 - 00:38:52.540

someone. Um, is that allowed to be on file? [MF]: It's like that John Mulaney email, have you seen that? [KAVV]: No, I was just very much, like, please stop your car now. Um, so I suppose close to Toronto, but not Toronto. Like its North York is essentially Toronto. York in general is essentially connected to

00:38:52.540 - 00:39:09.010

Toronto from what I've been told, um, but like, that would be where I would like to go. Maybe if ever possible, if I get money, if I get enough, like enough of a stability, I would love to move on to Alberta. Despite the fact

00:39:09.010 - 00:39:25.810

that I've heard mixed reviews about its existence. Uh huh. I would like to move their mainly because even though there is urban city is there, it's still quieter. And that's fine with me. I don't care. I don't care if I face, like from what I have

00:39:25.810 - 00:39:39.940

heard, that apparently they are a little more conservative there. Like, I don't know that for sure. And if it is, I don't give a shit. If it's quieter, that's great. That means I can stay in my bubble. [MF]: How do you, how do you connect with other LGBTQ+

00:39:40.130 - 00:39:57.340

people like not in real life, like apps, social media? Like what ones were kind of meaningful to you? [KAVV]: Funny enough despite the fact there's like 1000 dating apps and a half, including queer ones that are like like ones that are catered more towards queer people. Like what? Tammy that's been

00:39:57.340 - 00:40:12.530

advertised recently? Bumble. That's that exists. It's like. Bumble I've heard better things about. Tammy. I have no idea what the fuck that is. I just saw it advertised once, and I was like, I don't want it in my life mainly because I've kind of like I

00:40:12.540 - 00:40:29.860

avoid a lot of the online because I'm not comfortable physically. I have still have a lot of dysphoria with, like, a lot of uncomfortability with my body image, both in terms of my weight and which can change and my actual physical body in terms of like

00:40:29.860 - 00:40:48.270

the fact that haven't transitioned yet. I don't want to be in online spaces quite a bit because, like because a lot of my exposure has been through YouTube, there's been a lot of like YouTube tells you a lot of horror stories is actually like there's, like,

00:40:48.280 - 00:41:02.120

queer YouTubers that will tell you like, Hey, you might get especially as like a trans person. You might get a little more hate you might get a little more like, Oh, your cl...Like you, you can tell that you're, you used to be this or like whatever,

00:41:02.130 - 00:41:22.070

like you don't pass. So I'm just like I want to stay in my lane until I feel comfortable and a half and like out of the lime light for a while. So a lot of my online communities ends up being on Tumblr. Yeah, purely Tumblr. And

00:41:22.080 - 00:41:36.009

even then I don't talk to no one. It's just like I follow the people that feel OK like Okay, you wrote some funny stuff. This is someone a nice amount of gay jokes in my life. Nice amount of queer GIFs. Nice. A lot of trans GIFs.

00:41:36.010 - 00:42:03.710

Neat. I'm gonna stay in my bubble. [MF]: Would you consider yourself an activist? [KAVV]: And that's the question. I feel like to an extent activism requires more action on my part, so no and yes, I feel like my existence is a protest in itself. It's just like I'm still here, in, out

00:42:03.720 - 00:42:27.110

and proud, and I will continue to do so. And no matter what the fuck someone says to me, um, and fight me kind of so to speak. But uh, it is very much in terms of the activism part in terms of like signing petitions, going to protests. Um,

00:42:28.520 - 00:42:45.220

even like online activism is probably to the extent that I have. It's very much because I still don't feel safe as a queer person, despite the fact that I'm still proud enough to exist. I don't want to risk it unless I'm backed up, so to speak.

00:42:45.850 - 00:43:03.030

Unless I know these people like even though like queer people in general kind of just always align themselves. From my experience, at the very least, that oh, you're queer, we're here. Let's fight together. Like we have, there's a sort of an understanding. It's just like, we're

00:43:03.030 - 00:43:18.570

the out spirit, like were considered outcasts already. Let's just ban together kind of thing or like support each other when necessary. Um, so my extent of my activism, it's kind of just like when I'm called to arms. When I'm actively being called to arms with someone I can

00:43:18.570 - 00:43:38.960

trust, I'm like you know what? Fuck it. Let's do this. [MF]: So you do find that there is kind of a local activism that occurs within Peel? [KAVV]: Within Peel? No, no. It's very much dull. Very much feels like there's a lull. Toronto's probably the only, only place in

00:43:38.970 - 00:43:59.760

Peel, I guess, I guess. Is Peel GTA, right? [MF]: Okay, So sorry. So Peel is Mississauga, Brampton, Caledon. [KAVV]: Wanted to double check. Um, I think because I have no idea what Caledon is, like in terms of just because, even though my post

00:43:59.760 - 00:44:15.640

office is on the like, literal border between Brampton and Caledon. Minimal Caledon exposure. Mississauga, I have a little more exposure to. They....I feel a little more comfortable there, despite the fact that my doctor is over there and I hate him so much. But in terms of like

00:44:15.650 - 00:44:34.440

the activism part, it feels dull throughout it, especially in Brampton. Very specifically, within Brampton, it feels restrained like something is restricting the activism to be more proud, like to be more queer. To have, whether or not I don't know whether it's that all the queers

00:44:34.440 - 00:44:48.480

have escaped this place already, all the queers are hiding in this area, like all the queers or like the queers are discovering themselves or the fact there's not a lot of queer people here, and I don't know which one it is to the extent I feel

00:44:48.480 - 00:45:04.280

it is a combination of. There's not a lot of people here. They've escaped and they're hiding. It's those, like, three, main three combinations that I feel in Brampton specifically. How how it goes so far, Because there's a lot of queer friends that I have

00:45:04.680 - 00:45:19.990

a lot of queer online friends. They're like, yo I'm not out, yo. Like I'm never coming out to my parents. I'm gonna die. And then there's others that are just like I'm kind of out, but I really don't want to be like, just like I have to

00:45:20.000 - 00:45:39.720

be because, like, a lot more like Trans, because like, I need I need to be out in order to survive. And like, it's... Go for it. Yeah. [MF]: Do you find that a lot of the like activists that you meet end up being like terfs?

00:45:42.070 - 00:46:08.540

[KAVV]: Uh, yes, yeah, yeah. Sadly, sadly speaking a lot of the activist I do end up meeting, tend to be a lot more on the toxic and so to speak terfs on occasion. We'll speak minimal to them. Um, how do I put this? Yeah, it's a lot of

00:46:08.600 - 00:46:27.750

because, like with the feminism part like there's there's a lot of it feels like there's a lot of infighting, but I'm not exposed to that much because I selectively so to speak as my queer experience been so selective about who I introduced to my bubble that I

00:46:27.820 - 00:46:49.590

kind of just like ended up in this kind of just like happy middle barely surviving thing, where the main toxicity, in terms of my queer identity in life ends up being familial, rather than external like like external like outside my family unit or outside the world.

00:46:49.980 - 00:47:13.270

And so when it comes to the activism part the people, I end up meeting our queer people who are hiding and don't want... They do online activism. And so they have, they're still like circulating information that's good for other queer people to know, and to protect them. It's like

00:47:13.500 - 00:47:29.000

to protect other queer people and spreading information like how to be safe or like assisting other people. It tends to be on a more intimate level. Like a lot of the activism that I'm aware of. It's less on a public level. It's more on, like the down

00:47:29.000 - 00:47:45.900

scale in the roots of like individuals. And that in itself has its own problems because it doesn't get out to a wider range of people because we're not, we're not out enough to feel safe enough to be a more public like a more public population. More

00:47:45.900 - 00:48:02.490

public population. Despite the fact that there's still a lot of places that say they're queer accepting. It still doesn't feel like it. It feels hollow. And I still don't know whether or not one of my answers is it because they have escaped, because they're hiding or because there's

00:48:02.490 - 00:48:24.640

not a lot of population here. [MF]: So thanks for an excellent interview. It was like, very interesting. To hear your experience with your gender identity. Just like everything. Is there anything else like that we didn't ask you a question about what you want to tell people? [KAVV]: You could

00:48:24.640 - 00:48:44.320

make it. Yeah, you all can make it. That's it. That would be it. [MF]: So if any questions occur to you or there's more things you want to tell us. Feel free to email us. You have our emails. And we'll get back in touch with you to give you copies of the

00:48:44.320 - 00:49:01.170

records, copies of the interview for your records and you'll have the opportunity to review the recording before it's archived. [KAVV]: Neat. [MF]: Just in case. [KAVV]: Am I gonna be cringing at my own voice because of... Yes I am.....