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[Madeline Sousa]: It is Friday, February 21st at 6:37 p.m. My name is Madeline and we are online to conduct an interview for our LGBTQ+ in Peel project. Let's start with introducing yourself. So what is your name? And what pronouns do you go by? And when

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did you live in Peel and where if you still live? [Christina Caldi]: Okay, so my name is Christina Caldi, I go by she/her pronouns and I've lived in Peel my whole life, mostly. So like I grew up in Peel, the Peel Region in Mississauga um

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at the, by [indistinguishable] and Burnhamthorpe area. So I went to high school with Mia. Um Yeah so that's how I know each other. We played on the same soccer team and yes we both want Loyola and then I lived there, here like I'm still living

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at home technically I lived away when I was in university so I lived at McMaster in Hambleton for four years. So that was like a very different environment obviously than was being here. Um Yeah a little bit. Um And then I came back to Mississauga after

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I finished school and I've been here for about two years now since I've been done and hoping to move out. Hoping to move downtown this year sometimes. So. Yeah. [MS]: Okay that's cool. Um. So we're kind of in the same area actually I'm in Square one. [CC]: Okay. Yeah so you're

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like pretty close then. Yeah. What high school did you go to? [MS]: Um. Let's see. So how do you currently describe your sexual identity and your gender identity? [CC]: So my gender identity, I would just say is cis. Um, yeah, I've always felt female. Um in terms of my sexual

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orientation, I would currently....I like using the word queer or gay, um definitely lean more towards being interested in women. I just don't typically use the term lesbian always. I know that it can have sometimes like kind of like a bit of like a restrictive label for

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that term. Not that there's anything wrong with you wanting to use the term lesbian. So I know there's a lot of kind of like back and forth sort of debates and controversies with community about like what to use and what not to use. So I've kind

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of always referred to myself as gay, or once I came out. Um, but that's kind of, yeah, I would say queer or gay are the two terms that I typically use. The other thing that is one of the reasons why I've been kind of leaning a

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little bit towards gay more recently is because I know actually like I volunteer at the 519 um downtown. So um, we, during the training session, I actually hadn't even really ever thought of this, but um, one of the, one of the uh like, but you know,

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one of the things that we learned was that the term queer can be very like triggering for a lot of people, which totally makes sense. And I just was like, I had never even thought of that before, especially to older people who, you know, lived through

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like the ship that was the AIDS crisis and everything. So I try and like use the term gay, but that's probably what I would say. Gay. [MS]: Yeah. I know. We talked a little bit about that history as well in class in the beginning weeks. It's kind of like

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getting used to the terms and everything people weren't aware of. But yeah, like I completely understand that whole queer and everything like that. Um let's see, can you discuss the like how you came about to that process of identifying with that? [CC]: So I told Mia

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this beforehand as well too because I was like, I don't know if I'll still count for this interview and she was like, yes, 100%. I didn't actually realize anything fully until I was in university. I had had thoughts like here and there growing up like um there

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was like, remember like, you know, one time I saw a video of two girls kissing and I lost my shit, I was like 12 and is it okay if I swear during this? And I was like, oh my God, what does this mean? But I had

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always been told that, you know that was wrong and it wasn't and I never personally thought it was, but because of the environment, I grew up in, it was just kind of like, I'm not even gonna go there like touch that territory. Like I didn't have

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any issues with it or anything like that um personally but it was more so like I don't know what other people are gonna think slash like whatever but my like my...there was just never any mention of it or anything like that in my family on

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my mom's side is very religious. Like the Catholic guilt is real on that one. So yeah so it was just like something I never even thought about and like I remember after that video I just felt so guilty for like three days. Um And then um. Yeah

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so just like little thoughts here and there like that growing up and then but never anything that I like actually ever thought about or acted on really and then like had crushes on boys. Um And then in like always had crushes on boys. It's funny looking

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back, they all look like lesbians, looking back now which makes all kinds of sense. But then in high school I started dating this guy. Mia would tell you about him, he was an asshole. And Um we dated for all of grade 12. Um while I was in

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high school I do want to say that I, in addition to like little thoughts here and there, I definitely kind of I feel like I kind of projected that onto just being like a really like an ally. Like I was just like but no one no

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one really was when I was in high school like we had theGSA. We had a GSA in, I think they implemented it when I was in grade 12 so it was my last year. Um And I wasn't a part of it

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because I was too afraid to be um which is shit but that was me. Um But I was like I would I don't know I like talked about it a lot and this and that and like just just like queer rights in general just everyone was

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just kind of like weird about it like it just wasn't a thing really. I knew two. I knew one person that was out [MS]: At your school? [CC]: Yeah. Yeah I knew one person that was out and he was like really like people thought he was just like

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so weird and like it was like he like you know like straightened his hair and wore makeup and stuff like not like super feminine or anything like that. He just looks a little more like I would say at the time probably more like emo just kind

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of like you know like fuck standard norms kind of thing was what he was just trying to do. Um And then I had a friend who was bi and then I had a friend who was um uh like I had a friend who was bi and then

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she, I think she was like secretly bi. Um But other than that like I just yeah I didn't really know anything else. So I started dating this guy in high school and then it just went horribly and we broke up um in, at the end of,

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we broke up during first year in university and during this time like the relationship was horrible, it was really bad. Mhm. I just started having so many gay thoughts and I was like, I don't know if this is because I'm dating an asshole and my body is

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like literally telling you to just stay away from men in general or if this is like something else, it was so weird, I was having like gay dreams every night, it was just so much, I was like, I don't know what's going on. Um so then that's kind of when I really

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started to like think about it and then we ended up breaking up but the break up was like super traumatic and I was like I don't want to date for so long, I don't want to date anyone because at that point relationships were just kind of associated with

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like control for me and I was like I don't really want to deal with that again. Um So then I kind of didn't think about anything for like a year or the year after that was kind of blocked out, so I was just kind of like

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a mess from like recovering through all of that and then after that year, so that was second year was like a mess, third year started to feel a lot better about myself and um I just started kind of coming to terms with like the thoughts a

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little bit more and then this is probably the biggest moment. I read this book and it was a book by the author of my Sister's Keeper. Yeah. And it was called Sing You Home, I think it was called. Have you read it? Do you know what

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I'm talking about? [MS]: I know the author of My Sister's Keeper, but I don't know the book. [CC]: So the book was about this woman and she was 40 and she uh was, had been...her and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for years um and they were having all kinds

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of issues and their relationship was kind of like falling apart because of it and she wanted to keep trying, he didn't want to keep trying. So I think she ended up like freezing her eggs and then um for later but it's just like their relationship was

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destroyed so they break up and she is, she works as a music therapist at a school and the counselor is gay, is a lesbian and they fall in love because she kind of like goes to her for like support and then they fall in love and

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the husband, he's like a recovering alcoholic and he like finds Jesus and so then all this like shit ensues because she and her new like lesbian partner wants to have a baby together, but the husband is like no like you can't. Anyways I'm reading that and there

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was just like this weird moment when she realizes that she might be interested in this woman and she's like I've never been interested in women before and it just dug up all this weird feelings inside of me and I like put the book down and I

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was like oh my god and I just didn't read it for like another week because I was like this is weird. I don't know, I feel really weird and like this I don't feel bad, I just feel nervous and confused and what's going on and I

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was like I feel like that might be me. So that's when I started thinking about it more and talking about it more and then um and then just kind of allowing it to happen. So in like third year I was like okay interested in women as

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well um and then just a couple other instances here and there with like girls and stuff and I was like okay this could be real, this could be real. So yeah, so that's kind of when I realized um but then coming out was like a whole

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different process with my family and stuff. [MS]: That was actually my next question is how was the support group with that? [CC]: Okay so what was the question about like family, friends...? [MS]: Basically how it all kind of happened and if there was some sort of support group because I know

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you mentioned actually one of our questions is about if you were in a specific faith community which was Catholic, if there's like something that happened like specifically with like you coming out and like the whole Catholic values and so forth... [CC]: Yeah definitely, so um so I um

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so when I came out I okay I'm gonna go back to the beginning, I've come out, I had to come out like four times, 3-4 times to my family, there's a couple of times, so um the first time that I came out was I came out to

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my friends first and it was more so like I feel I came back to one of my bi, at the time she was bi. She's quite gay now I think she would identify as but um so I already had like a number of friends who were

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friends with gay people and I really wanted to be better friends with them but I was kind of like shy, so I had this one friend who I went to high school with um one of you might be interviewing her actually, her name is Nicole. Nicole

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is the one that I came out to first, so we were in yeah that was in third year and she has she had already come out at this point and she was telling me about it and stuff and I was like I think that I might

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be bi and she was like okay like you're gonna meet all the gay, like all gays, it's gonna be great and I was like cool. Um And then so we had gone to high school together and we had so we're already friends and we had some

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other like mutual friends that we were close with as well who were kind of all like a part of this group. So I just started hanging out with them more. Um and then got to know a bunch of the gays through that way and it was

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great. So that was fine because the community was so inclusive and like the friends were so supportive and like everyone was so welcoming and it just made like, because I was really nervous when I like realized because I was like, okay, I'm, How old was I

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at the time? 21? I was like 20, 21 and I was like, this is so late. Like is this even real? Like this isn't even fair to like I just felt like really ashamed, like not because of the status of my sexuality, but more like, this isn't

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fair to all of these people who, you know, went through those shitty closeted high school years, like who am I to just like come in and be like, yay and like, wave a pride flag around. Like I just felt really guilty about that and I was

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like, I don't know how to go about exploring this without experimenting on people like, that's kind of, another thing too, is like, you don't, you have to be careful not to like test out the other gender or like test out like in like a harmful way, like that

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can be so harmful to someone. So I was like, really nervous about that for like five seconds after I realized I might be gay, I was like, really excited. And then I was like, really devastated and I was like, I don't really know how to do

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this. Um so yeah, so then um so she really helped with that and um like, meeting people and the environment was really, really, really great. And then I um I told my mom at this point and um she was like, just checking to see if my

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door's closed. So she was like, very, very supportive of it um in the moment and was like, you know, she was like, I I you know what, like, this doesn't surprise me about you. Like you definitely seem like someone who cares more about the person

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and not like what parts they have kind of thing. And I was like, Thank you. And I was like, so relieved. And then um so that was like in like February of 3rd year. And then when third year ended, I went home and it was summer

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and I was I was like pretty like open about my sexuality with everyone, like all my friends at this point now been a couple of months and I was pretty open about that. And then I started kind of briefly seeing this girl when I got home

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in the summer, she was a friend of a friend and she picked me up one day and like my dad saw her pick me up and then my mom saw it and they both just got like really mad and I brought it up again and I

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was like I didn't talk to my dad about it um because I was like I'm not ready to have this conversation yet, but he was like very uncomfortable and I brought it up again with my mom and she was like I don't believe in like bisexuality.

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I told her again that I thought I was bi she was like I don't believe in it like you know classic bi-erasure, like it's just a phase kind of thing. She's like I think you're either like gay or straight, like I don't think you can be

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both, like I'm sorry, like I don't support it kind of thing and it was just really weird and confusing and I was really angry so that was like the first step in the age of like resentment between my parents and so so that was like the

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first thing and then um so then all that summer was just kind of like I was just kind of closeted sort of ish um and then I went back to school and then fourth year I started seeing a girl for the first time, like seeing seeing

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one really. The one in the summer, I just like talked to a little bit here and there um and then I just like didn't ever say anything to my parents about it, so nothing um nothing about coming out actually happened in fourth year because I was

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just in this like bubble, it was just this happy, like, queer bubble. All my friends were gay, I was like seeing this girl, it was like the [indistinguishable due to technical glitch] it was just like, most part um but then that ended um at the end of fourth year and I

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moved back home, so I moved back home and within...this girl that I was seeing, it wasn't like, we weren't dating, we were just kind of like, casually hooking up and but there was like some feelings there, but she left and she went away for the

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summer to go tree planting, so she was gone and like, whatever was going on between us was completely done, and I had met someone else during that time, her ex actually, it's a classic, it's a classic, classic gay community, everyone dates each other. So during, during

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this time, her ex from when they were like 16, they're friends now, yeah, they're they're good friends and it was fine, so we started talking and then I started dating this girl, like dating dating her um like yeah, like probably like a month into me being

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home and she had come, she offered to come pick me up for a date and I was like okay, you know what, like I'm not going to um fuck around with this anymore, like I just want to be honest about it. So I sat my parents

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sat them down. I also wanted to prepare them because she looks gay. So like she has short hair, like she looks like your, you know, she dresses kind of masculine sometimes, like kind of looks like an actual lesbian as they would as they would put. Um So

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I like sat them down and kind of like prepared them and I was like, I'm going out with a girl on this week and it's still a thing and it's not a phase and like this is who I am and they just looked so devastated and

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it was just like such an issue for like that summer and it was so awkward and like they were very like at first it was like, I think they felt like they had lost their daughter kind of thing and they were like, they were like hurt

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and they were offended and they were like, why? Like why isn't this something we like knew about you kind of thing, but then also at the same time we're like not okay with it, and then at the same time we're really nervous about what the grandparents

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were going to say because they're both very Catholic. Mhm. So my mom, my grandmother on my mom's side is like, like like thinks the gays are the reason that there are like earthquakes in the world kind of thing, like, so they like, like they actually think

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that she would probably like die if she found out like she's like old and like sick and I know that's like dramatic, but like they think it would significantly impact her health kind of thing, so it was like a big issue and then I had resentment

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towards them for that and they were mad at me and they were like this is new to us and like you need to give us more time to get used to it kind of thing. Um and they were like very weird around Nicky. Nicky is my

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girlfriend um that's her name, so she's the one that I was dating a couple years ago still am so um so yeah, and they were like kind of weird around her at first and it was just very like didn't bring her up ever like as if

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they would if she was a boy. So yeah, coming out was interesting but it's a lot better now, there's definitely been like multiple conversations um since but I have come out to one set, one set of grandparents now and that one set of grandparents was totally

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fine with it, this is my grandparents on my dad's side and they were um they're Catholic but not really to the point where they like practice it like they like we never really talked about it, like I'm sure they believe it, they're Italian, there's like Jesus

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imagery everywhere but also like Italians and Catholicism, like it just goes together, it's all just so deeply entrenched, so it's like you know there's pictures of saints like everywhere but like I don't know if they have them up just cause it's Italian or because it's God

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so um so like we were all really nervous about that because we were like we don't think they're going to be as aggressive about it as the other set of grandparents, the other side is Croatian and we were like we don't think they're gonna be as

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aggressive about it but we just don't think they're going to understand and I came out to them last year and they were like, So? They were like why didn't you tell us like earlier and we were all just like, like my dad was crying like I

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was crying and they were like stop crying, just like eat, I don't care, they were like as long as you're like we're happy, it's fine and I was like cool and they acknowledge my girlfriend and like I don't, they don't really speak English very well so

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I don't know if they use the term girlfriend but they like know that we're in a relationship kind of thing. Um Yeah, so that those grandparents know aunts and my uncles, they were all fine with me coming out um. Yeah, it's just the grandparents on my

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mom's side that do not know yet and that has been yeah, an issue. But yeah, those are really the only all of my friends were very supportive of it. Yeah, I kind of lost one friend, sort of, I would say in coming out, he was very

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like always he's one of those guys that is like very has very fragile, very fragile sense of his masculinity and throughout high school, like we were friends but he was always trying to like, I don't want to say be more, but he was always kind of

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trying to like hook up like whenever he would come up and visit and I'd be like no, and then when he found out I was gay, he was very like, what do you like? He was like, I don't understand like he was almost like offended kind

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of and I was like no, and we just haven't really been friends since like he just stopped talking to me and every time I see him he's like very uncomfortable and awkward around me and everyone knows that he's like quite homophobic. Like I think he just

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kind of grew up in a bit of a homophobic family um and it's it's kind of like a known thing about him, but he's so we're not really friends anymore, but he's the only friend that like, or the only person that has treated me like, you

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know, I have lost because of it. [MS]: Mhm. That was that was great. Thank you. [CC]: Okay, you're welcome. Sorry. I'm like, I don't know if I'm talking too much or if I'm giving way too much detail. [MS]: So with the term LG it's kind of like a little

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bit different now with the term LGBTQ+ have you ever felt like included in that term or not included? Yeah. Yeah, no. I've definitely felt I've always personally felt included in the term um Mostly because I don't really feel, I know

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it's hard cause I know that labels are very, a lot of people, especially people who might not fully understand. Um not necessarily just that, but also people within the community are like, I don't need a label to define myself because you know, sometimes I might feel

00:24:56.690 - 00:25:12.410

like this sometimes I feel like that labels can be restrictive. Labels... Some people think that labels are only there so that it's um easier for others to understand you or that it's convenient for others and you're just like, you know, you're not here for someone else's

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convenience kind of thing. Um So like for me, like I've always felt kind of included because I have always...since coming out I feel like I've been I can, you know, be part of the Q Which I know sometimes means queer or questioning like I can

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be part of that or like, you know, sometimes I'll say lesbian, like I can be part of lesbian. Like for a while I felt like I identified as bi and like I still definitely like, would be attracted to men. I just wouldn't necessarily want to like

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physically be with one. And I find I prefer being emotionally involved with women as opposed to men. So, but I'm still like, you know, I can still find a man like attractive, like very attractive kind of thing. So I'm like, you know, for a while, I

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kind of felt like that, like I definitely feel represented in it. But when I was in the summer, this past summer, I was working, um I was working, I work at RBC. I work at the bank and I work in communications and I did um like

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I kind of, I wrote all the stories for their pride campaign, like the internal ones. So basically I interviewed like a bunch of um queer employees and just talked about their journeys, like their queer journeys essentially. And through that I um just got a really good

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understanding of all the different labels that people use. And like, one of the guys I interviewed is the chair of this organization. It's this um like Youth Home and um center in Saskatoon and it was hard because the the the acronyms that the bank used at

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the time. This is last, I think they've changed it since, but they used LGBT+ and I was like, this is already like quite outdated, like it's kind of changing like we want to include things and I interviewed him and he had like, he works with a

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lot of two spirit um kids and like youth as well. So he was like, can we like include this? So it's like through that, like, I kind of understood and I see the 2S a lot like I understood, I understand the importance of having like

00:27:41.340 - 00:27:58.240

the labels in here now, and I can understand how someone would feel left out if they didn't see a letter or a number representing their acronym, they were just kind of, or like their their orientation, they were kind of thrown into the plus. So I totally

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understand how people would. Um it's just kind of getting around like how do you what do we use to make it more inclusive. Yeah. [MS]: Um getting more into Peel. Um Are there any specific places that you go to Peel or like even not even places like,

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like communities that are here or like organizations, like anything that you really know that's based in Peel? [CC]: So not really. I actually tried researching it, like quite recently, like it was before I knew I was going to be doing this, but quite recently. Um and I

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saw something online about like a pride committee somewhere like a Peel pride committee or like a diversity committee or something like that, but I don't, other than that, like I don't think so and like I don't think I'm sure there are, but it's not very well... [MS]: [Indistinguishable] kind

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of thing. [CC]: Yeah, it's not like discussed really, like I'm trying to even think like I don't even think there are any places like, like in terms of like nightlife or anything like that, like, you know, queer nights here and that...[MS]: Kind of like compared to Toronto

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and Hamilton's. [CC]: Yeah, and like it was interesting though because I mean when I was in Hamilton it was in university um and obviously like a university is obviously...Not all universities, but depending on some of them, they're usually generally more progressive environments. Um I think

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Hamilton was extremely, extremely diverse and like really progressive and very liberal um and inclusive. So that was really cool and there was so many different options that we had, like not even just within the school, but outside of the school, whereas here is a little more

00:29:55.240 - 00:30:12.560

suburban. Yeah, like there's not, I can't, I honestly can't really think of anything. [MS]: Yeah, even like we've been asking a lot of people like places here, but like I've been getting like a lot of not really like...[CC]: Yeah no, not really like and that's I think

00:30:12.560 - 00:30:32.910

part of the reason why it honestly it's definitely contributes to part of the reason why, you know, it took so long to like it took going away to university to figure that out because while I did go to a Catholic elementary school and a Catholic high

00:30:32.910 - 00:30:50.180

school, there was nothing, like no one ever talked about it. Like there was no exposure like here and there. I'm sure it would be different. I'm sure people who were out or were closeted in high school might have different answers because they probably would have actively

00:30:50.180 - 00:31:03.900

like sought out these places more than I did then because I didn't really know and I just kind of was like, I didn't really think about it, just kind of here and there sort of thought about it. But like, I like had heard of the pride

00:31:03.900 - 00:31:25.450

parade and I like wanted to go in Toronto one year, but there was, yeah, there's nothing that I really remembered about it here. Yeah, no. [MS]: Yeah, there's not really a lot. Um, is there like, I mean, I'm trying to think, cause it so hard because like

00:31:25.940 - 00:31:39.940

in Peel, there's not really a lot like is there another location that you kind of lean towards? Like, is it more Toronto? [CC]: Is there like a location that I lean towards to be in like that environment more? [MS]: Like with everyone sort of thing, like with the

00:31:39.950 - 00:31:57.360

communities and everything? Like, is it more like Hamilton's based or is it more like Toronto based? [CC]: So for now, like right now, since coming home, um, definitely Toronto like, so since coming home, I spent like all my, like, so much of my time in Toronto because

00:31:57.360 - 00:32:15.880

I felt so much more at home there. Um I have a lot of friends that live downtown. My girlfriend lives downtown. So for the first like year, year to two years after coming home like I literally feel like I lived in the village like I

00:32:15.880 - 00:32:32.210

was, have you ever been to Cruise? [MS]: I've been like to Hamilton and like the village and everything, but I don't remember like I've been there, I forget where I went. I honestly don't know it was I was I was in first year, so that four years

00:32:32.210 - 00:32:47.670

ago. [CC]: Yeah, so it was a while ago, so the the so like I would we would go downtown like and go out a lot in the village and like go to Cruise a lot and such um and hang out just in that environment and then I have

00:32:47.670 - 00:33:02.840

some friends that live like on the same street, like on Church like right at Church and Wellesley, so really spent like a lot of my time and then the other half of it too was I was dating or I am dating Nikki and Nikki has been

00:33:02.840 - 00:33:21.390

out since she was 16 and her parents are don't give a sh it like they're very very chill about it and and her living arrangement is different. So she lives alone with her mom, she's probably moving out this year as well too, but she her and

00:33:21.390 - 00:33:37.580

her mom live alone in an apartment together and her mom is just this like, like wild like living her best life. Like she made all kinds of money and like kind of like brought herself up from the ground up kind of thing. Like made so much

00:33:37.580 - 00:33:52.910

money and now just like travels so much. And her, she retired early just travels a lot and it's just like out partying more than we are. So they live in this apartment. Her mom's very chill when she is there and when she's not there, which is often

00:33:52.910 - 00:34:10.180

she's, previously, like before she was gone more, she's actually like recovering right now from some stuff but before like she was always out. So I spent a lot of time there because it was just like felt more comfortable instead of like being at home when my

00:34:10.180 - 00:34:25.050

gayness was an issue and I could be like downtown in this like much better inclusive environment. And it was just like, yeah, it just felt better like being around people who look like you and stuff. Yeah. [MS]: Yeah. Are you included like in any sort of like

00:34:26.040 - 00:34:40.960

not clubs but like not communities with that. Is there any because I know there's some organizations and stuff. I know that you said with your work and everything, but are you included in anything else outside of work? [CC]: Yeah. So I I think I mentioned earlier, I volunteer at the

00:34:40.960 - 00:35:01.520

519. So that like I would say in a sense, like I was, I'm included in that. Like, it's kind of actually hard to volunteer because they have like so many volunteers and people, it's like once they post a posting for like needing volunteers, it's like

00:35:01.520 - 00:35:16.120

filled up like that. So I've only actually gotten to do it a couple times. Um, so I did that. Um, yeah, part of a couple of things through work, like sit on the diversity committee or whatever through work. Like did all the pride stuff. I'm trying

00:35:16.120 - 00:35:30.870

to think if there's anything else that's more like organized that I'm a part of. I just, I have a, we have a lot of friends in the community and um, so like I tend, I have a lot that like work with things. So we attend a

00:35:30.870 - 00:35:50.810

lot of their events and, and such like I have a lot of friends who are involved in like there, there's like drag brunches and stuff that they put on. Um, so I wouldn't say that I'm involved in any other communities that way. I would like to

00:35:50.810 - 00:36:06.220

be, the only reason I'm not right now honestly is because I don't live downtown and it's just difficult. Like my commute to and from work, like I work at a couple different offices and the commutes are all quite long. So by the time I get home,

00:36:06.220 - 00:36:30.300

it's just hard living in Mississauga. The second I live downtown though. 100% will be joining more things. I am recently applied to be a peer um, uh, like a, it's a peer support worker, a peer, uh a youth peer support worker over the phone with an organization. Um,

00:36:30.310 - 00:36:45.360

so I'll hear back about that soon. I think you have to go through. It's it's a volunteer thing, but it's basically just um, it's basically just a role where I think it's like three hours a week, you're just on call for, um, like youth.